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Friday, October 28, 2011

Emotional Whirlwind

I'm sorry for not posting.  I really haven't felt up to it.  I'm still dealing with a swirl of emotions left over from the emotional "perfect storm" that occurred last week.  Besides watching the Dan Wheldon Memorial Service on Sunday as a way to get a sense of closure, I've also had to take my mom to the cardiologist to go over what happened at the neurologist and what her 24-hour heart monitor showed.

Everything went smoothly with both things.  The Memorial Service was beautiful, sorrowful, and funny.  (Who knew Dan Wheldon had OCD???)  I really did feel better for watching it.  I had debated with myself for days.  I felt I needed to watch it as I was still having a difficult time believing he was really gone.  I felt nervous though as I don't tend to deal well with funerals or wakes.  I was worried that it would set off an entirely new set of emotions that I just didn't want to deal with.  Finally, I made the decision to watch it and record it as well, in case I wasn't yet ready to actually watch the entire thing.  Then I could watch it in bits and pieces as I felt ready.  I did get through the entire service.  I still feel some deep sadness (depression???) over the situation (and all it reminds me of), but I've come more to terms with it.  I no longer feel that doubt and uncertainty I felt before.

The trip to the cardiologist was nerve racking.  I always hate going to any doctor, but knowing I was taking my mom to find out why she had the episode she did at the neurologist, the one that landed her in the ER for six hours, had my anxiety level sky high.  I knew that there was the possibility that her Long QT or her mitral valve prolapse had worsened.  I also knew that it very well could be nothing, but just the thought that something could be seriously wrong had my mind racing.  Would she need surgery???  This thought kept whirling through my mind, as did other darker ones I don't want to revisit.  I did my best to hide all of this from everyone, to act as if it was no big deal, but a did let out a silent sigh of relief from deep in my soul when the doctor said that the monitor didn't show anything very interesting.  Her heart rate and blood pressure have been running slightly low, but there were no abnormally rapid arrhythmias which was good.  He took her off her beta blocker and reduced her water pill.  He also asked her to record her BP twice a day, and she is to go back in two weeks.  Despite this good news, I still feel overwhelmed and scared by the entire situation.

The worst thing is that my moods have been all over the place.  From day to day or even hour to hour, I can go from sad, to anxious, to giddy, to fearless, to angry at the world, or even to just plain numb and apathetic.  It is this last one that has me the most concerned.  I can figure out where all the others come from, what causes them, and even how to deal with them.  The numbness makes me fear that I'm simply checking out, because I can't deal with things.  This is usually what happens when I hit my darkest times, when things become the most overwhelming.  I simply don't care at all.  Nothing matters.  Nothing affects me.  I'm simply not feeling.  I recognize this when it's happening, I just can't figure out how to bring myself out of it.  This brings about feelings of failure on top of everything else.  ARGH!

I think this is why I haven't felt like blogging, or really doing much of anything, because I can't figure out these emotions, and at times, I just don't care.  I know I'll have to discuss all of this with Rachel today during therapy.  Perhaps she can pull out some of her special Rachel power and figure it all out.  She has a tendency to do that.  Sometimes, it's quite annoying, especially when it's something I just don't want to deal with.  LOL

Also, I have an appointment with the doctor on Monday.  We will be reviewing meds and hopefully figuring out what to do with these stupid allergies.  This has me nervous as it is a trip to the doc, time out of the house, and a possible/probable change, but I've been trying to keep in mind that it is a good thing.  Dealing with the allergies and tweaking my meds should make me feel much better.  I'm going to try to continue to focus on this and hope that I can make it through without too much anxiety.  I will try to keep you all informed of what changes we make and how they affect my anxiety level.

I also want to say a huge thank you to all those who have sent me support during the last couple of weeks and even before.  Your support really makes a greater impact than you could even imagine.  Thank you.  Virtual hugs.

7 comments:

  1. I am glad you got some good news about your Mom. I know how it feels to have "mom anxiety." Hopefully everything will go smoothly when you go back to the doctor in 2 weeks.

    I don't have all the answers for you about how to deal with worries and fears and such about going to doctors and med changes and "mentally checking out" and swirlling emotions. All I can say is that I SOOO GET IT ...I really feel ya and I'm here for support and encouragement if you need it!

    Big Hugs,
    Elizabeth

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  2. I can only speak on behalf of myself but the numbness that you mention seems only natural to me and I can totally relate to it.

    I believe that during times of high stress the body and mind use this mechanism to cope with the influx of emotions and anxieties - I can think of many examples of emotionally stressful times that I have felt similar to your descriptions and that I am 'running like clockwork' without really feeling the situation.

    You said that "I can go from sad, to anxious, to giddy, to fearless, to angry at the world" and that is a lot of emotions to go through in a short space of time so I definitely believe that feeling numb is a perfectly natural response of the mind and body, and one that I can absolutely relate to.

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  3. Did Dan Wheldon have OCD? I find it somehow reassuring that famous people have it too, probably due to seeing them being successful at something and realising that it doesn't have to hold me back from achieving my own ambitions.

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  4. I don't know if it was ever officially diagnosed, but from what friends and family said at the memorial service, Dan definitely had OCD. He not only was ridiculously organized, especially when it came to clothing and shoes, but someone messing up his system definitely threw him over the edge. Plus, he could stay in his friends' homes, but he wouldn't allow them to stay in his because they would "mess up" his rooms. He even reminded them, every time they used the bathroom at his house, to wipe down the counter with the provided towel. I was listening and was like, "Holy Cow"! My mom was like, "Yep....". We both knew immediately. LOL

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  5. Rachel thought that the numbness has two components. The first is like you mentioned, Anonymous, it is my mind's way of copying with something that is beyond me at this moment. the second component has to do with the abuse in my childhood. Due to my father and his abuse, it was ingrained in my to stop and school my emotions, to think before feeling or expressing them so that none would set him off or make things worse. Because of that, I still do that and don't really know how to process or feel my emotions without first pausing. When this happens, I get that "numbness". Once I've had time to process them, which depends on the intensity and complexity, then I can eventually work through things. This is why it usually takes me a few days to process things that happen before I can even blog on them.

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  6. It certainly does sound like Dan had OCD as I can definitely relate to those examples.

    My apologies to you Kat, I had no idea about the abuse in your childhood - I just wanted you to know that you were not alone in feeling numb sometimes during stressful times.

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  7. You don't need to apologize for anything. It's not your job to know about the abuse. You did nothing wrong. I'm not sorry about it. It is what it is. It has helped make me who I am. Yes, that includes many negatives, such as the PTSD and OCD as well as some anger issues, but it has also made me more kind, understanding, empathetic, and protective as well as determined and strong-willed. I wouldn't trade those positives in order to get rid of the negatives. ; )

    I really do appreciate all the kind words and support all of you have shown me. They mean more than you can possibly imagine. : )

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Please leave me a comment below. Feel free to share your stories and struggles with anxiety or those of your loved ones. Please show respect when doing so. : )