I'm a fall kind of girl. I love the crisp, coolness and the breeze filled with the smell of bonfires. I love brilliance of the leaves finally showing their true colors. I love that it is the season of pumpkins, apples, and sweet potatoes. I am happiest in the fall.
Given the unexpectedly fall-like weather, I've been on cloud nine. I've been curled up with a cup of tea, my dog, and a good book. Nothing could be better. Heck, I've even felt so energized that I've been jumping on the recumbent bike with my book, pedaling out 16-17 miles while enjoying the unusual love story between a vampire and a witch. (Yes, I am rereading "A Discovery of Witches for the fifth time. Don't judge me!)
Until yesterday afternoon. At first I thought it was do to the little pop-up storm we had that turned the sky black and sent everything in my backyard swirling in circles. But the storm passed, and despite that fact, I'm still anxious beyond belief. Then it hit me. Today is therapy day.
It does seem that I always get worked up the day of therapy. There is a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and my heart feels like it's going to beat out of my chest. It's more than just the fact that going to therapy means leaving the house. I occasionally have to leave to go shopping, and while I do get anxious, it's not this level.
I think it's a combination of knowing that in reality, I don't really control my therapy, no matter how many times Rachel tries to tell me that she works for me, and knowing that I will have to address issues that I just don't want to address and feel emotions that I just don't want to feel. I adore Rachel. She is a great therapist and I feel more comfortable around her than I do most people (including half of my family), but sometimes I just wish she'd get horribly lost on her way to work, blow a tire in the middle of nowhere, and have no cell phone signal, so that they would call and cancel my session. I know.....it's terrible! Yes, it makes me feel guilty to even think that. (God forbid she actually gets lost, blows a tire, and has no cell signal. I don't think I'd ever be able to face her again.)
Still, I have never cancelled or walk out of a session. That's a good thing, right??? Despite that, I'm worried about why therapy makes me so anxious. Is this normal????
I also get like that on my therapy days. It builds until I am in the waiting room where it is the worst and then it gets better. Usually right around the time that Larry peeks his head out into the waiting room and says, "Hi Elizabeth! Come on back!" and he ushers me to his couch. By that point, I feel less stressed about being there.
ReplyDeleteI too am such a fall girl! I love love love fall. It is my favorite season for all the reasons you wrote about! I was planning on going out to our favorite orchard tomorrow to get my pumpkins but I'll be home resting because I am sick.
I talked to Rachel about it today. She says it's not such a good thing for me to get that anxious about going to therapy, especially days in advance. LOL She says that we need to have a way or sign for me to give her when we get into things that make me too uncomfortable so that I have more of a feeling of control. That way I won't feel so anxious. She says feeling that anxious can cause people to stop going to therapy altogether or make me less likely to pay attention during the actual therapy.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're sick. I know it must doubly suck to have to miss out on the trip to the orchard as well. Hope you get to feeling better soon. : (
Thanks, Kat. It is such a perfect October day here in Kentucky. It is chilly and overcast and the leaves are changing so they look brilliant against that grey sky.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could be out in it! But I'm feeling worse than I was yesterday... I bet you can understand how these infections are and all the stages they go thru. I'm in the stage now where I have no energy, no voice and coughing is painful.