Friday, September 30, 2011
I'm a fall kind of girl. I love the crisp, coolness and the breeze filled with the smell of bonfires. I love brilliance of the leaves finally showing their true colors. I love that it is the season of pumpkins, apples, and sweet potatoes. I am happiest in the fall.
Given the unexpectedly fall-like weather, I've been on cloud nine. I've been curled up with a cup of tea, my dog, and a good book. Nothing could be better. Heck, I've even felt so energized that I've been jumping on the recumbent bike with my book, pedaling out 16-17 miles while enjoying the unusual love story between a vampire and a witch. (Yes, I am rereading "A Discovery of Witches for the fifth time. Don't judge me!)
Until yesterday afternoon. At first I thought it was do to the little pop-up storm we had that turned the sky black and sent everything in my backyard swirling in circles. But the storm passed, and despite that fact, I'm still anxious beyond belief. Then it hit me. Today is therapy day.
It does seem that I always get worked up the day of therapy. There is a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and my heart feels like it's going to beat out of my chest. It's more than just the fact that going to therapy means leaving the house. I occasionally have to leave to go shopping, and while I do get anxious, it's not this level.
I think it's a combination of knowing that in reality, I don't really control my therapy, no matter how many times Rachel tries to tell me that she works for me, and knowing that I will have to address issues that I just don't want to address and feel emotions that I just don't want to feel. I adore Rachel. She is a great therapist and I feel more comfortable around her than I do most people (including half of my family), but sometimes I just wish she'd get horribly lost on her way to work, blow a tire in the middle of nowhere, and have no cell phone signal, so that they would call and cancel my session. I know.....it's terrible! Yes, it makes me feel guilty to even think that. (God forbid she actually gets lost, blows a tire, and has no cell signal. I don't think I'd ever be able to face her again.)
Still, I have never cancelled or walk out of a session. That's a good thing, right??? Despite that, I'm worried about why therapy makes me so anxious. Is this normal????